University of Ediacara

1997 Dean's Address

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From: Chris Nedin 
Newsgroups: talk.origins
Subject: U of E Annual State of the Uni Address
Date: 22 Dec 1997 02:10:29 -0500
Lines: 73
Message-ID: <67l3q2$610@drn.zippo.com>

It is that time of the year again, when the Dean addresses the faculty and students. Unfortunately, the Dean has lost his notes (again) and so I have to say a few words instead.

Many faculty members will be aware that this year the campus has been infiltrated by a number of persons masquerading as members of the U of E. It appears that the rabid iguana patrols have been ineffective in stopping this violation. Research points to a specific artifact apparently composed of platinum as being influential. Apparently the curved nature of the artifact combined with its composition dazzles and confuses the iguanas. A similar effect has been observed on faculty staff, although here it appears that cause is the curvature, not the composition. Work is in progress the furnish the iguanas with protective eye wear in order to return them to their normal, rabid, state. The Dean has taken a personal interest in this, denouncing the infiltrators, or "dirtyfilthystinkingrottenfreeloaders" as he terms them, He is distressed over the finacial implications and insisting that they conform to the regulations of the Univerity with regard to fees etc., or "make 'em pay through the nose like everyone else", as he put it. Thus the Dean is currently road testing a number of possible apparatus which will allow the iguanas to reestablish adequate security. According to the Dean, the current front runner obtained by the University is from company called Ray-Ban, but the Dean insists on further tests in order to ensure the safety and comfort of the iguanas. In the meantime, plans are afoot to curb the interlopers. Faculty members should be prepared for higher than average electricity bills.

Many of you may be aware of the Vice-Dean for Computing has been active in recent months on a tengential issue from his normal activities. The Vice-Dean is selflessly donating the University's computer time with no thought of renumeration. A policy which frankly troubles the Dean. Completely bemuses might be a more apt description. When queried on this selfless act, the Vice-Dean said, "heck I'd willingly pay to screw around with people's posts, so doing it for nothing is a bonus". The Dean is working on an option to make the Vice-Dean pay.

The more awake faculty members may have witnessed a public appearence by the Dean on t.o recently. This appearence was due to a remarkable series of coincidences (some would say designed!). These were: 1) an unguarded terminal, 2) the bot worked perfectly, 3) the Dean was sober. Leaving the terminal unguarded can be put down to carelessness, but the likelihood of all three occuring at the same time is astronomical! However, steps have been taken to try and ensure this doesn't happen again. From now on, any unguarded terminal will automatically default to a tetrus game, which has been known to keep the Dean occupied for hours, especially the Playboy version.

The physics department has come up with a new theory concerning the S. Claus phenomenon, namely, how it is accomplished. According to the physics people the often commented upon girth of S. Claus suggests that the feat of global visitation coverage in one night can be explained by quantum gravity. The girth suggests a gravity anomoly surrounds S. Claus causing chronological tidal effects, allowing enough time to accomplish global visitation coverage in what appears to be one night. Evidence for this is given by observation of the raindeer. Raindeer watchers know that the noses of flying raindeer _Raindeer rudolphus_ actually glow white. The red colour reported by many, suggests that the white light is highly red shifted, indicating quantum gravity fluctuations at work. I, frankly, never understand what physicists are talking about. A much maligned group, and rightly so.

However, in order to test the theory all students who are contemplating a passing grade in physics 101 (the compulsory first year subject) must commence constant experiments on this topic from noon Dec 24th until noon Dec 26th. All observations are to be reported, via computer link, to the nerve centre of the operation - the Panda's Thumb, the only place with walls thick enough to keep out even the most determined student and therefor quite adequate for shielding purposes.

Those students not involved in the physics experiments may enjoy the usual holiday period (9am-11am, Dec 25th) before recommencing studies.

yours,

C. Nedin
Prof. of Palaeopathology
University of Ediacara.